midnight musings

Its late. I should be in bed right now. I have to get up early to go to work, but death is on my mind and I need to get it out. I read a book tonight called the Last Song by Nicolas Sparks. I recommend it to anyone. Not unusual for Sparks, death is large influence in this novel. Its the second book in the week that I have read that revolves around death. Death is something I have thought about in the past. But this year it seems to hit closer and closer to home and it scares me. A year ago a beloved uncle died, It upset me. It shocked me but that was it. I creid when I saw him in a home video three nights ago. I had forgotten how much I had missed him. In June an old friend and lover passed away unexpectedly. It hurt. It bothered me. five months later and I still think of it and his family, fiance. I had not spoken to him in years, but he was never far from my thoughts or my heart and to think of him gone at age 23? Its unreal. I miss him, and I gireive his loss in a whole new way. His death really got me thinking. You never know. I could die tomorrow. Lord, I hope not. There is still so much to see to expierence but I could and If iwas to die tomorrow I do not want to have any regrets. I am afriad that I might. I want to spend more time with my family. i want to be closer to my sisters and to my father and I dont know how. I want to be remembered as a kind gentle loving person. My Papa could die like his younger brother did in an instant. That scares me. I cannot think of how this family would function without him. But I have and I hate it and I dont want to even though I know it will come in future. I want to be prepared so that if something does happen to me, my family does not have to worry about money. Thats why I got life insurance. That is why I am trying to clear my debt while I can. This summer a loved pet of 14 years died unexpectedly. I still look for him. Death seems to around me more as I get older. Or maybe I am just noticing it more. All i Know for sure is I want to live every day to the max and right now Im not sure that I am.

friday night lightbulbs

I'm in a good place in my life right now. But I am still struggling with all kinds of new stuff. I am getting into the flow with work but now have to figure out my chorses and other fun stuff around that. Its a little frustrating. I had my best friend visit for the weekend. It was alot of fun. I got to take her canoeing for the first time and to a beach for a second time but the first time she enjoyed it.:) It was really exciting seeing her in awe of the ocean and sand. It reminded me of when kids or evcen adults see and enjoy and animal for the first time. That spark of delight that they get. It makes me smile. I also started a new job. I enjoy it. Sort of. I love having a job. And its not difficult work. But that can be a blessing and a curse. Its a job though and I am being able to pay off some of my bills. I am hoping that by Christmas all I will have left to pay off is my school loan and one credit card with a hell of lot less debt on it. June is my planned move out date. If everything goes according to plan. :) But plans are made to be changed just like rules are made to be broken. God is really blessing me and I am so grateful and have such a joyful heart. I hate that I keep wanting more though and that I have very little direction but after the last few years the lack of direction is not as worrisome as it once was. I Just do not care about direction anymore. I care about life and spending time with family and the realtionships I hacve. I want a better realtionship with my sisters and my father. i doubt that I will ever have one with dad though, but God does do amazing things. I just do not want to be put into a position to be constantly hurt. I watched a home video tonight of a family gathering. I miss those days. Some of those people in that video have past away and those moments will never be back. It made me sad. So I am tired now and am going to go study for my tests on mammals and birds tomorrow. Wish me luck

falling behind

So I was doing soo good with my weight loss. Then I just stopped. Oh it was gradual and actually, i guess I am still kind of sorta doing what I am suppose to but not to the degree that I was when I was losing the weight every day. I guess I need to make up my mind. Do I want to lose the weight. I do, I hate the way I feel when I feel fat. i want to get into shape, I want to be able to run, do push ups, sit ups and the like. I really do. So now I need to live it even more faithfully. When I do, I feel confident, and beautiful, and happier. I want that again. So I guess my decision is made, time to hit the grindstone.