romance

I am a romantic. I know this about myself. I also know that love is not romance. It can be but its hard work. and yet soo easy at the same time. i want that. i want the love. I want someone to cherish me above everything else. To care about what makes me happy. I want to care about what makes him happy. I've been in love before with someone who did not return the depth of feelings. It has made me scared. i dont think anyone knows the depth of the pain. I'm scared to love again. If I am alone for the rest of my life at least I had the feeling one time. Maybe next time it will be easier

midnight musings

Its late. I should be in bed right now. I have to get up early to go to work, but death is on my mind and I need to get it out. I read a book tonight called the Last Song by Nicolas Sparks. I recommend it to anyone. Not unusual for Sparks, death is large influence in this novel. Its the second book in the week that I have read that revolves around death. Death is something I have thought about in the past. But this year it seems to hit closer and closer to home and it scares me. A year ago a beloved uncle died, It upset me. It shocked me but that was it. I creid when I saw him in a home video three nights ago. I had forgotten how much I had missed him. In June an old friend and lover passed away unexpectedly. It hurt. It bothered me. five months later and I still think of it and his family, fiance. I had not spoken to him in years, but he was never far from my thoughts or my heart and to think of him gone at age 23? Its unreal. I miss him, and I gireive his loss in a whole new way. His death really got me thinking. You never know. I could die tomorrow. Lord, I hope not. There is still so much to see to expierence but I could and If iwas to die tomorrow I do not want to have any regrets. I am afriad that I might. I want to spend more time with my family. i want to be closer to my sisters and to my father and I dont know how. I want to be remembered as a kind gentle loving person. My Papa could die like his younger brother did in an instant. That scares me. I cannot think of how this family would function without him. But I have and I hate it and I dont want to even though I know it will come in future. I want to be prepared so that if something does happen to me, my family does not have to worry about money. Thats why I got life insurance. That is why I am trying to clear my debt while I can. This summer a loved pet of 14 years died unexpectedly. I still look for him. Death seems to around me more as I get older. Or maybe I am just noticing it more. All i Know for sure is I want to live every day to the max and right now Im not sure that I am.

friday night lightbulbs

I'm in a good place in my life right now. But I am still struggling with all kinds of new stuff. I am getting into the flow with work but now have to figure out my chorses and other fun stuff around that. Its a little frustrating. I had my best friend visit for the weekend. It was alot of fun. I got to take her canoeing for the first time and to a beach for a second time but the first time she enjoyed it.:) It was really exciting seeing her in awe of the ocean and sand. It reminded me of when kids or evcen adults see and enjoy and animal for the first time. That spark of delight that they get. It makes me smile. I also started a new job. I enjoy it. Sort of. I love having a job. And its not difficult work. But that can be a blessing and a curse. Its a job though and I am being able to pay off some of my bills. I am hoping that by Christmas all I will have left to pay off is my school loan and one credit card with a hell of lot less debt on it. June is my planned move out date. If everything goes according to plan. :) But plans are made to be changed just like rules are made to be broken. God is really blessing me and I am so grateful and have such a joyful heart. I hate that I keep wanting more though and that I have very little direction but after the last few years the lack of direction is not as worrisome as it once was. I Just do not care about direction anymore. I care about life and spending time with family and the realtionships I hacve. I want a better realtionship with my sisters and my father. i doubt that I will ever have one with dad though, but God does do amazing things. I just do not want to be put into a position to be constantly hurt. I watched a home video tonight of a family gathering. I miss those days. Some of those people in that video have past away and those moments will never be back. It made me sad. So I am tired now and am going to go study for my tests on mammals and birds tomorrow. Wish me luck

falling behind

So I was doing soo good with my weight loss. Then I just stopped. Oh it was gradual and actually, i guess I am still kind of sorta doing what I am suppose to but not to the degree that I was when I was losing the weight every day. I guess I need to make up my mind. Do I want to lose the weight. I do, I hate the way I feel when I feel fat. i want to get into shape, I want to be able to run, do push ups, sit ups and the like. I really do. So now I need to live it even more faithfully. When I do, I feel confident, and beautiful, and happier. I want that again. So I guess my decision is made, time to hit the grindstone.

rambling rose

I have not posted anything in a while. My computer was sent off for a while was part of the problem, and then i just forgot. Whoops. I have a temp job through a temp service but I am scheduled to work until Dec. 18th, and even more exciting, I started volunteering at the zoo. I rally like this zoo. Its small but has a lot of stuff and very educational. I pray that this leads to something. I am up to about 20lbs lost. I think. The scale I use is broken so its hard to tell. I finally got my bike and have been biking pretty regualarly. I had to put down a dog.I miss him. He was a great little dog. It has been hard on the entire family. You just dont expect for something like that to happen. OKay I am relly tired so I am going to go now.

frustration

I made my grandmother cry. I have no idea how, I think it was a combination of me and my mother. I didnt mean for it to happen, but it did and i feel horrible. I wodner sometimes what to say. Iam in a no win situation here. I cannot speak my mind, for fear of insulting someone or angering them. or just irratating them, yet if i keep to myself im not doing something right either. I am so confused. I love my grandmother. She means the world to me and has always been there for me but i do not understand her or how to deal with her. She lives in constant pain and refuses to seek help for it. She is going to get into a car accident. She tries to thrust her beliefs on me and i jsut do not believe the way she does. I believe, Lord do I beleive. but i do not like following to cultish doctrine stuff that she does. Living t home is challenging. I understood that moving back, but what choice did i have really? I am doing so well here. I am losing weight, i feel happier, I am active, I am starting to attend a church i really feel where God wants me, so i guess i have to endure the feelings of irration that i occiosianlly have. I just wish i could understand her and my mother better.

My week

My Birthday is Sunday! As weird as it sounds i like having a birthday. The only bad thing is most people forget about it and when you get to be in your 20s people just do not make a big deal about it anymore. Oh well. Other than that I have had fun this past two weeks. I spent last week at Disney, Seaworld and the Zoo. I also attended a pool party and spent a day with a person i did not know. That is good for me. I was able to catch up with an old friend today and I am so happy that God has blessed her with a wonderful man. I am also realizing a bit more about myself and about my friendships. I have been frustrated and even angry with a friend of mine. But i know that she is just changing and I am not the easest person to get along with. It still is a pain in the ass though. I guess i just wishes she could be a little less selfish. And i wish that I didnt care so much. So i am still making progress on the exercising and losing weight thing. I am up to 10lbs lost!! YAY and my family is able to tell in my clothing that i have lost weight. ihave also started to run again (slowly though) and was able to do better than i thought i would especcially since i have no run since like march when i injured my knee. I am also working on sit ups and pushups. I am going to try to prepare to enter into the AirForce. I really want to but right now I am too heavy and not in shape enough. My goal is to work out and prepare myself for the pt test that a private would have at the end of boot camp and them go talk to them, even if i am not in the weight range yet. PMSing does not help the weight loss plan. Iam craving carbs like they are the only food on this earth. I am hoping tomorrow is better

Dreams

So I want a puppy. I have my old girl (well shes not that old) but she is about 9 years old and I want a pup or a yearling to have fun with and hike and agility. Sigh On another note, ive lost 10 lbs! Yay. Went to Disney and SeaWorld this week. And going to the zoo tomorrow. Fun times.

Progress

So I weighted myself today and I have so far loss 5 lbs! Small amount but its progress. Yay! And i applied for a job today i really want. I hope I can at least get an interview. God always takes care of me. THank you Lord

Good day

I'm proud of myself but i dont want to tell anyone. Why you ask? I dont want to ruin it! I have restricted food for two days now (still need to work on choices but I am getting there) and i walked twice today! 2.5 miles total. Now I know I can do more than that in a day but its progress becasue I am trying to walk EVERYDAY adn then i am going to try to add in some biking, but one thing at a time. So Im going to go now. Just such good news!

Job Hunting

Im job hunting. It sucks. I want a job but hate hunting for one. I use to enjoy it. No longer. I really need money to come in. I know I have the skills yet I dont't know how to market myself. Someone help!

late night musings

I feel guilty. I spent money i did not have on a book. Why you ask? Becasue I was in a pissy mood. Did it make me feel better. Yes and no. I sneaked to buy it and dont want to admit. I think I have an addiction.

I am overweight. and I hate it. I dont really know anyone who does enjoy it but I am ready to do something about it. I have been making small steps toward change, but I guess I was wishing that my steps were bigger. The job I want, the man I want, the person I imagine myself and hope myself to be requires a fit person. I love being outside, i love to move i just hate starting. The heat here dosent help, but to be honest that is just an excuse. I am tired of excuses. I need to over come myself and i dont know how.

Late night

I have a stomach ache. Its probably from eating too much crap. When will I learn? I am feeling seperated from those that I have alwasys been closest too. It bothers me but I don't want anything to do with them right now, except for maybe one or two. Well thats not true, mostly its just one person I want some time away from. I feel like I am being replaced and I hate that feeling. When did I ever get so jealous? I never had these feelings in the past. Tomorrow is my Papas birthday. I made a cake and it didnt turn out. Im upset about it. FYI never use smart balance 50/50 for a pineapple upside down cake. It doesnt work. Well i should get to bed Im tired and i dont feel good. G'night