midnight musings

Its late. I should be in bed right now. I have to get up early to go to work, but death is on my mind and I need to get it out. I read a book tonight called the Last Song by Nicolas Sparks. I recommend it to anyone. Not unusual for Sparks, death is large influence in this novel. Its the second book in the week that I have read that revolves around death. Death is something I have thought about in the past. But this year it seems to hit closer and closer to home and it scares me. A year ago a beloved uncle died, It upset me. It shocked me but that was it. I creid when I saw him in a home video three nights ago. I had forgotten how much I had missed him. In June an old friend and lover passed away unexpectedly. It hurt. It bothered me. five months later and I still think of it and his family, fiance. I had not spoken to him in years, but he was never far from my thoughts or my heart and to think of him gone at age 23? Its unreal. I miss him, and I gireive his loss in a whole new way. His death really got me thinking. You never know. I could die tomorrow. Lord, I hope not. There is still so much to see to expierence but I could and If iwas to die tomorrow I do not want to have any regrets. I am afriad that I might. I want to spend more time with my family. i want to be closer to my sisters and to my father and I dont know how. I want to be remembered as a kind gentle loving person. My Papa could die like his younger brother did in an instant. That scares me. I cannot think of how this family would function without him. But I have and I hate it and I dont want to even though I know it will come in future. I want to be prepared so that if something does happen to me, my family does not have to worry about money. Thats why I got life insurance. That is why I am trying to clear my debt while I can. This summer a loved pet of 14 years died unexpectedly. I still look for him. Death seems to around me more as I get older. Or maybe I am just noticing it more. All i Know for sure is I want to live every day to the max and right now Im not sure that I am.